Ekphrasis: Guitars Edition

"I need to borrow this." Miguel, to the portrait in the tomb of Oscar de la Cruz, 'Coco'

But first, your weekly Vine: Monday was Chapter 52: “The Preacher.” Tuesday was Chapter 53: “Anthony and the Demons Part Two.” Today is Chapter 54: “Ervin In The Quarry.” If you missed last week’s podcast, you missed award-winning artist Katie Lago guest-reading, but don’t worry, we don’t take podcasts down. We’re coming up on the end of Vine, thank you very much to everyone who’s been following along.

I had a blog post for this week, one that was pretty cool, too. But my wife is at a work conference all week, and I already edited a whole The Line Break (now on Spotify!) while solo parenting. Finishing that blog, the way I want it, is a little more than I have the bandwith for right now. It’s about a museum exhibit and has writing prompts, I’m going all the fuck out, okay? Anyway, not sure people without kids can understand, but having a partner you do everything with suddenly disappear is basically like getting brain damage.

So it’s an ekphrasis week.

It’s gonna be an especially lackadaisical one, okay?

You get it, we have fun together.

For more in the “ekphrasis” series, check out the explainer, crabs, ghost, haunted house, and herons.

I Will Not Be Investigating This Further

credit: Wikimedia Commons, pennsyloco

This is the first image that caught my eye on Wikimedia Commons. I’m not sure if these are real guitars, if this is a generated image, any of that. I just know these guitars are at a pool, and I would like to be at pool, with a guitar.

Someone Buy Me A Nylon String Guitar

credit: Wikimedia Commons, Martin Möller

My own maturity process has involved a not-insignificant amount of “realizing you shouldn’t have to apologize for the stuff you like,” but goddamn, it is great that nylon string guitars are having a moment in the 2020s. Between Animal Crossing and the new Tim Henson signature, people are having the energy that they should have had when Seu Jorge did the soundtrack to Wes Anderson’s greatest film.

Every time I’ve ever gotten a raise (roughly twice in 17 years, if you don’t count changing jobs), I’ve said “I’ll buy a nylon string soon.” I still don’t have a nylon string.

But No Tim Henson Signature For Me, Please

I hate Ovations as much as anyone can hate anything. Like what you like, let people enjoy things, but if you like Ovations? You’re a Dave Matthews Band apologist, and you need to get out of Chicago.

Tim Henson’s guitar is not an Ovation. The issue I have is a personal problem. But the body is too narrow, the sound hole too much like an Ovation, for me to think anyone except Tim or Scottie LePage can get a good sound out of it. That said, what a sound.

I Thought Ornate Guitar Designs Were Stupid Until I Saw Mexican Guitarists

credit: Wikimedia Commons, Adrián Cerón

These are sick as hell and they’re not even the coolest Mexican guitars out there, they’re just the coolest ones I found one Wikimedia Commons (constraints are essential, a constraint of this exercise is only doing Wikimedia Commons images). I’m a huge sucker for basically anything aesthetic that comes from Mexico. When it came time to get a backsplash for our kitchen and the question was asked “hey Chris, any opinions?” I pulled out Rick Martinez’s Mi Cocina and gestured wildly at all the pages. The art on their guitars down there is next level. I would steal Ernesto de la Cruz’s guitar too.

Can You Make The Guitar Go VROOOOOMMMMM?

credit: Wikimedia Commons, Martin Möller, Gaja, Ptkfgs, Villanueva

In high school, I played in a punk band. You can hear where that got me here. But I also played in my school’s jazz band. You can hear where that got me here. During this time, I was anywhere between the ages of 13-18, meaning *Southern Boomer High School History Teacher Voice* I knew approximately jack and shit, especially when it came to guitar tone. Every time I could save up lawn-mowing money/tell my parents “all I want for my birthday is for you to go halves on this guitar with me,” I tried a different model. I had an Ibanez DT520FMCRS (I think that model is right, Ibanez is weird with models), then a Fender Mustang, then a Fender Cyclone HH, before finally settling on a Fender Jazzmaster. One of those guitars had a racing stripe, and I can’t help but feel that is one of the sickest design flourishes ever.

Give me a custom model guitar, idk anything about pickups or wood, but I will ask for a racing stripe.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THIS BAND

IDK ANYTHING ABOUT THEM EXCEPT THEY’RE FRENCH I THINK. I DON’T PARTICULARLY LIKE ANY OF THEIR GUITARS, I’M NOT REALLY THE BIGGEST FAN OF GIBSON BODIES OR GIBSON BASSES. WELL EXCEPT THE SG, I GUESS, SHOUTOUT TO MY FRIEND ANUJ, WHO PLAYS AN SG AND IS THE SECOND-BEST GUITAR PLAYER I KNOW PERSONALLY, ANYWAY, THIS APPEARED ON MY YOUTUBE ALGO WHILE I WAS WRITING, THE LAST PARAGRAPH WAS WRITTEN BEFORE THIS VIDEO CAME ON, SO JUST PRETEND EVERYTHING’S NORMAL AND COOL WHEN YOU GET TO THE LAST PARAGRAPH. THE BAND IS CALLED SLIFT BTW

Wow, can you believe I did a whole column on images of guitars and didn’t even bring up Woody Guthrie’s THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS guitar? That’s because I hope that guitar/message is embedded in my entire personality. I’m not going to tell you go out there and kill a fascist today, I guess, but I am going to tell you to take guitar designs seriously.

Sorry you got an email,

Chris